I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
