the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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