even my farts smell like vagina
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
porn star boner night. come get it.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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