I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
