Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
