this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
