i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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