I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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