hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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