Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I think I sprained my soul last night
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
