she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
