I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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