just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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