she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
