Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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