I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
