Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
