I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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