That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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