'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
