Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
