I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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