OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
