I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
