You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
