He asked to "fluff my boner.."
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
