dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
