I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
