he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Can I color on your dick again?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
