Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
