My first STD was from a foam party
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
