I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
