Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
