he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
