I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
