I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
