Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
