i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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