You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
