Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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