I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
