listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
