I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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