I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
