White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
