Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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