Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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