he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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