True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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