He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
