I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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